I’ve recently become obsessed with plants. That’s not to say that I haven’t always really liked plants, but a conversation this summer changed the way I saw them. A few months ago I had my friend Shane from Moss and Timber (if you’re local to So. Utah you MUST check it out!!) come by the Merc and check out the window lighting. I knew I was going to invest pretty heavily in some large plants and wanted to make sure that I was getting the right kind for each place. I’ve always heard about how important the right lighting conditions are, but never really cared all that much.
Maybe that is why they always died?
Weird!!
Over the last few months I’ve collected quite a few. My favorite one being a tall rubber plant that I put right in front of our north facing window. Almost immediately it sprouted new growth, and hasn’t slowed (16 new leaves and still going strong!) It makes me feel like a freaking rockstar, even though I’ve done nothing differently. I was in Moss and Timber bragging to Shane about it and he said something I’ll never forget. “Plants can either be an accessory or a friend. If you treat them like an accent piece they probably wont survive, but if you treat them like a friend, chances are you’ll have a lifelong companion.” WUUUUUT. Once that little phrase was shared it was like one of those moments in a movie where all of your past comes rushing back and I could see plant after plant that had mercilessly suffered at my hands because it was more important to have it styled in a place where I wanted, than to give it a home where it needed to be.
I’m such a jerk! RIP little buddies!
Shifting gears (don’t worry this will all come back around!)
I don’t know if you’ve noticed (I feel like its been impossible not to) but this summer I’ve taken a little bit of a step back. If I am being completely honest, this summer has been an extra rough one. It started when school got out out with a giant slap in the face. I realized that Ivie, my oldest, is now in actual high school. Like not middle school pretending to be high school. Like high school, high school. When the crap did that happen?! I REMEMBER high school. Vividly. And the craziest part is that the second that I realized that, the stupid film strip started playing again (clearly I LOVE a good video montage) But it was like she was already gone. Driving, graduation, gone forever. I bawled like a baby.
Is this a normal way to feel when your oldest goes to high school? I think I’m in some sort of mourning.
This realization forced me to stop and see life with my eyes wide open. Guys, I know we’ve chatted about it before, but the renovation at the Merc has been way more difficult than I thought it would be. I didnt anticipate the emotional burn out, in fact I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. HOW DID I NOT REALIZE IT!? It’s not like its perfectly documented on every episode of HGTV and my personal fave, Grand Designs. Emotional breakdowns are a thing. I keep coming back in my mind to a post that I wrote when I was in the thick of the Nugget renovation. (If you’re new, The Nugget is a the cutest little vintage trailer that we overhauled a few summers ago. You can see it here.) I remember vividly writing this post about expectations and reality and how in my mind I should exempt from the painful process because I’m a “professional”.
And yet. Here we are. Me. Learning this lesson once again. Dammit!!
There is so much work to do in the Merc, and even more to still write about. I’ve got so many good things and tutorials to share, but I just haven’t found the words. I just wanted to be a mom this summer. I’ve been living in this space, where its like I almost can’t breathe because there is just so much weight. So I half-intentionally took a break. Truthfully, in retrospect I wish it had been a bolder step back, but with life you can’t really hang a sign on your door that says “Be Back When I’m Done Emotionally Spiraling! Thanks -Management”
So I’ve been limping along and like all of my accessory plants, dropping leaves at the slightest breeze. (See I told you it would come back around!) Frustrated that I’m not in full bloom all day every day. But its not really about that is it? When we’ve got a plant that is struggling and dropping leaves we don’t just give up on it and say “Well, doesn’t that suck. You should’ve tried harder in this dark room to create your own light and water and thus photosynthesize from sheer willpower. Freaking failure!”
NO!! So why the heck am I (and maybe you to? I cant be the only one in this place!) saying that to myself!??!
Instead, I’m adjusting and finding my spot in a new window. I’m pivoting a little with the direction of the blog (I think you’re going to love it!!) and most importantly, I am learning.
So here is to celebrating new growth, even if it’s just the tiniest bud beginning to sprout!
Oh yes. I have been dealing with the middle age b*slap – where the heck did the time go? Why am I not better at, well, everything? How can I be this old and still this stupid? Life has a way of sneaking up on you, doesn’t it? Thank you for sharing your angst, and no, you’re not alone. We’re all right there with you (whether we want to admit it or not). But hey, life is still great! All the best to you as you turn toward the light.
Aw, I always consider my plants my children, so friend or family I love them the same. 😉 I’m so happy to hear you are pivoting the blog a bit to work more for you. We love seeing the journey, whatever direction you take.
I’m glad you took a half step back this summer. I LOVE your blog but your family is so much more important. Don’t let us take you away from them when they need you. We will always be here when you get back if you need more of a break too.
The timing of this is amazing since I just msgd you yesterday re your wood flooring and not long after I get thought you must have so much on, you’ll get to it when it happens and if not, I’ll survive. I think the internet expects too much of people we follow and so I’m going to be more intentional about that too. Taking a step back also would’ve been fine but I’d have missed you!
Thank you for being so honest! I totally get it. You should check out The Nester…. she calls it 18 summers and takes a break from blogging every summer to soak up her limited time with her kids.
You are freaking talented… we’ll be around when you have time to post ??
I don’t have kids in high school yet but I cry every year when they start school and end school. They are always so sweet about it even if they don’t get why mom is such a weird, emotional wreck. Part of it is the worry of lost moments–they’ll never again be in…fill in the blanks…kindergarten for example, and I should have volunteered in their class more or read more or whatever MORE! And I won’t get the chance to do that specific thing with them at that specific age. It’s actually a really mom guilty thing to do, but I can’t seem to stop! Plus I just love their little faces and the years seem to zipping by at an alarmingly fast rate. Love them, love you, love your blog. Thanks for keeping it real and “limping along” to full on sprinting–whatever you got, I’m glad to be in on the ride!
Yes. Now I will reread and ask how I’m willing myself to make my own sunlight and push new growth out when what I might need is a new window. Love this.
i don’t have kids so i cannot relate to that, but i have also felt a bit lost this summer. i don’t seem to be doing enough “pitcher of sangria on the deck” to make me feel like i am getting maximum pleasure out of summer.
I just wanted you to know that my boyfriend and i did a Utah national monument trip last Christmas, (awesome!!) and we went to St. George to check out The Merc. it was very exciting for me to see it IRL!
The other day he asked about “my friends in Utah”. I had to remind him that i had never met you.
But see, that’s what you feel like to me and others. You invite us in your life and we feel a part of it. So totally take your time off, pace yourself and we will just appreciate you when you want to invite us back in!
I was always expecting the shift because you’re in a place that could be your forever home, you’ve built it from the ground up with your core design. I can’t wait see where the change takes us.
And yes it’s always like that when your oldest starts high school.
I’m reading this on the night before my eldest moves out and in with his girlfriend. How can that happen when he was basically like 12 to me. Anyhow I’ve also ‘just’ got into plants in the last year too,after downsizing and divorce. I have found it really therapeutic looking after them and I’ve been known to chat to them too, willing them to sprout new leaves. Maybe they’re my new children…. Get some succulents, they are awesome to have. And make lots of lovely memories with your kids before they all leave home xx
Have you ever explored your personality through the Enneagram? Your number could be way different than mine, but this cycle sounds a lot like what I go through as a 3 wing 4. The high goal setting, the incredibly focus and relentless pursuit of a creative goal, the letting go of other things (maintenance related things fall to the wayside), followed by achieving the goal and not really celebrating… just moving into exhaustion and wondering where your motivation went. Those with a 4 wing can move into shame really quickly too if they don’t feel productive.
Studying this has helped me to see my patterns from a mile away and help to regulate the (formerly) inevitable shame cycle.
Just something to think about!
I’m not a quote girl but this seemed appropriate considering – hang in there!
http://www.designsponge.com/2017/09/10-inspiring-illustrated-quotes-for-the-weekend.html
Reality hits us all. The fact is that all of us have moments in life where we have to step back, restart, rejuvenate and sometimes change our path. Keep on doing what you need to do for you. An empty bucket doesn’t quench anyone’s thirst.
My daughter who is in 8th grade has been wanting to redo her room. She is anxiously awaiting to see Ivie’s room:) enjoy-it flys by.
My oldest is leaving for college next week. I think it was harder for me her junior year than her senior year. Last year it was all about how much I would miss her and how the family wouldn’t be the same. This year I was able to remember a lot more how much I loved college and how I wanted that for her. Also how proud I am of the adult she has become. I think we all mourn our children growing older at different and unexpected times.
This is exactly why the dragon leaf plant I bought is absolutely dying in its dark corner. I’m going to move it today and start treating it as more of a friend… Even though I really wanted it for that exact space for styling.
I’ve been so mad at it for dying I haven’t moved it LOL… That’s not really helping anything though. Thank you for the wake-up call 🙂 and also… You deserve a mom break. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Cute Mandi – I’m so glad to hear you are trying to stop and catch your breath ! And yes – your kids are growing up so fast and they will not be hanging on you forever ? so girl —- slow down and smell the roses ?- or whatever a rubber tree plant smells like ! You won’t spend eternity in the Merc – but you will spend it with your family – so give them some of your amazingly talented time and you won’t regret it ? ok so my Gramma Kathy rant is over – love you ? ( and that cute guy you let work there ?)
My plants ALWAYS die (minus the like un-killable growing ferns haha) so I’m probably doing the light thing wrong too! We also have moved a lot os fake plants are my life!
We totally get it. Don’t worry.
Please tell me where you got that planter
You are so fun. I love how detailed, generous, passionate, and friendly you are. I’m struggling like you with the milestones my kids are at right now with youngest graduating high school next month. My advice to you is to find the joy that your daughter is feeling now and use it as YOUR joy. This is exciting for her and we all know that once we have kids, we no longer have to ride the rides at Disneyland, we are happy to see our kids have the fun while we tend to the baby and keep an eye on the stroller. 😉