I have had some very strong feelings lately that I need to tell my story. I am at a turning point in my blog where I need to decide if it is about me, all of me or about my awesome home decorating skills alone. I have decided that what you read here at Vintage Revivals is me 100% love it or leave it. This will be a story that’s broken into parts. Its very emotional for me to share and it takes a lot of time to write it the way people can understand.
I am not writing this so that anyone feels bad for me.
I am not writing this so that people can criticize my family or my choices.
I am writing my story for the people who are secretly or not so secretly suffering, with someone else’s addiction or their own.
I pray that my story will give hope a chance to grow in your heart. Recovery (notice I said Recovery and not Recovered) is a miracle. I will get religious on you, if you aren’t comfortable with that, I am sorry. The miracle of the Atonement is why my life has changed. If you know me or my husband personally I hope that knowing our struggles will make you love us more. But if not that’s OK too.
I believe that EVERY.SINGLE. one of us have a story to tell. Its at times a devastatingly sad story. Other times is wonderful, full of hope and light. I hope you will share yours with someone. Its in sharing that we find healing. Here’s ours.
“This is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance and this is my joy.
“And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me”
Alma 29:9-10
(Book of Mormon)
My husband Courtney is the kindest person. He is so charismatic, people are just drawn to him. He is HILARIOUS and an all around wonderful person. When addiction takes a hold of someones life, they change. They become withdrawn and depressed. They are angry and deceitful. Addicts are manipulative and selfish. My husband acting on his own accord is none of those things. I just wanted to make that crystal clear….moving on.
Courtney and I were both raised as Latter Day Saints (Mormon) He stopped going to church when he was 16. I stopped when I moved to college and my parents couldn’t make me. Neither one of us were active at this time in our lives. I just want to clear that up too because the things that went on obviously are not supported by the LDS church.
It all began one November day in 2001. I was working in the mall selling fake hair (LOL I know right?) This super cute lady came up and I was talking to her about well….fake hair. She said to me “You are so cute! You should meet my son.” Of course what new college student would pass that opportunity up? I told her to send him in. Well, he never came. This could be the end of our story but luckily its not. I saw her a week or so later and asked “What the french lady! He never came in!” She told me that he had, but I was talking to another guy and he didn’t want to interrupt. My bad. She called him right then and there. Next thing I knew he was on his way over. Let me just say that its a good thing I had access to fake hair, cause I totally did not get ready that day.
I can still vividly remember him walking around the corner of my cart. He had on a green shirt and totally longish flowy hair. No joke, his hair was awesome. He was so HOT! The second that I saw him, it was like I recognized him. I knew I was going to marry him, cross my heart.
About 3 months into our relationship Courtney came to me and told me that he was an addict. His parents told him that he needed to come clean with me or they would. I am, at this point in my life completely naive to EVERYTHING like this. I to this day have never smoked or done any type of drug. I didn’t even know what alcohol smelled like. So Court comes to me and says that he is addicted to Loratab. And right then and there I decided I was going to save him. I was going to love him so much that he wouldn’t be able to use any more. I was going to be the reason why he changed. If you have ever dealt with an addict you are familiar with these feelings.
It took me years to learn that I didn’t cause his addiction, I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t stop it. But I am getting ahead of myself.
6 months after finding this out we were engaged. My parents supported our wedding and our relationship 0%. Why would anyone in their right mind be OK with their daughter marrying an addict? Exactly. We decided that we were going to be married in Nov. Courtney started going to an outpatient treatment program called Reach. By this time he was no longer snorting Loratab, he had begun injecting Oxy Contin. There was no controlling it. He dropped out of rehab when they told him that he needed to go to an inpatient program. Needless to say our wedding didn’t happen in November.
On December 27, 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with our oldest daughter Ivie. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Courtney was ecstatic. There was no way that my family could stop us from getting married now. He stopped injecting Oxy Contin and started taking Methadone. We were married on Feb 8, 2003. All of the money that we got from our wedding Courtney used to buy pills. Fairly soon after the wedding he began injecting Oxy Contin again.
I remember one night, he came into our room terrified that he had taken to much. He pulled a syringe out from his pocket that contained salt water. He told me that if his heart stopped I needed to inject him with the salt water to start his heart again. TOTALLY NOT TRUE. Do not take my drug addict husbands advice if you are ever in that situation. I was only 20 years old when all of this was going on. Court was 24.
Our lives were in complete chaos. Here I am young, pregnant, and completely confused, lonely, lost, and guilty that I was not helping him. I was wrapped in my own addiction and didn’t even know it.
On May 7, 2003 I was particularly lost. I had a doctors appointment that day and Court couldn’t come in with me because he was too sick. That night I made him pray with me. It had been so long since I had talked to my Father in Heaven. Would he even listen? I had created so much chaos in my life, He had to hate me. But I still prayed. I made Courtney kneel down with me and prayed with all my heart that He could cure Court’s addiction. I told him how lost and lonely I was, how I couldn’t bring a baby into this crazy life. I plead with him to help Courtney get off of pills. I know that God can work miracles according to our faith and I KNEW that he could heal Court. He did, just not in a way that I could comprehend. Isn’t it funny how that seems to work out?
To Be Continued….
All I can say so far is, WOW. Looking forward to reading more knowing that it must lead to a good place!
oh wow, what a story. i’m looking forward to the next part. thanks for sharing.
I really admire your courage to share your story. I’ll surely be checking back!
i am so glad you are sharing and hopefully will reach people who need it. i read this with tears in my eyes. a girl i know of- a friend of a friend- died in september from methadone. she was 35, and left behind an 8 yr old daughter, who now sadly writes songs about her mom. i know that your story has a happy ending, but many times they don’t and it breaks my heart. i can’t imagine leaving this world right now and leaving my family behind. i just couldn’t do it.
Mandi- Thank you! I don’t really have any association with addiction, but I admire your strength and courage to share such a personal, emotional story with the world. You are a beautiful person and I appreciate so much your willingness to expose what is a very private experience for the benefit and strength of us all!
How brave and compassionate of you to share your story. It’s easy to browse all these beautiful blogs and imagine the perfect lives behind them, when I suspect that is rarely the case. I’ve admired your talent for some time, now I admire your humility and openness too.
Ahhh…I’m sitting here bawling at the stupid screen! Thanks for being so brave and sharing your guys’ story. It hits super close to home. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic. We TOO wanted to change him and thought the same thing…he just needs lots of love. I would get so angry when he would’nt just give it up. He hurt all of us so many times. It took a long time to realize it wasn’t him at all. It was the darn toxins he was putting into his body that made him this awful person. We had to put all of our faith in the Lord and he finally came around. I am happy to say we are now an eternal family and we have the best man ever at the head of it! I know the Atonment works miracles. Thanks for starting my day of right:) Love ya SIS!
JEn
You are meant to tell your story, thank you so much for sharing this part of your life.
Joanne
thank you for being brave enough to share your story. you could help so many people with your trials and how you overcame them.
i’m looking forward to reading the rest of what happens. its amazing to see what people struggle with and how they overcome it. i love wonderful stories such as these.
Thanks you for sharing!
I appreciate you sharing your story. I look forward to reading more. 🙂
I admire you for putting yourself out there. I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision. Hearing your story is going to bless the lives of those who read it. I know you were truly inspired to share.
I recently started reading your blog and couldn’t stop reading! I’ve read like your last 6 months of entries! Everyone has a story like yours, thanks for being brave enough to share it! I look forward to reading more!
I hope sharing your story is therapeutic for you as well as anyone who needs to read it.
I’m so glad you are doing this! Please tell me the second installment is coming up….I’m not sure I can wait. Love it so far! Thanks Mandi for sharing.
thank you, that takes courage, and I admire you for that and for what you and your family have been through and overcome!
You see… I adore you. And I look forward to continuing on this journey with you.
;-D robelyn
Mandi, it’s takes a lot of guts to share something so personal. Court’s struggles were never a secret amongst the family, but seeing it through your eyes sheds a whole new light on things. I am so proud of both of you and super excited at what the future holds for you guys. Love ya tons!!!
Mandi – I am really glad you are sharing this. I think it’s brave, unselfish, and beautiful to share your story so honestly. I’m now hoping that part two comes tomorrow at the latest because I can’t wait much longer! Please?
Cheri
Girl! You are so brave! You definitely have a purpose in all that you have been through. And one of those is to reach thousands with your message of hope, success, faith, love…… you are AMAZING!!!! I’m looking forward to the rest of this series. You are an excellent writer. I am crying for you!
Thanks for sharing Mandi! I admire the courage. I have a story as well, but I’m not brave enough to share it. But I know that sharing does reach out to others and gives hope and strength, and hey, it may even introduce someone to the gospel on here!! I’ll be looking forward to knowing what happens next.
I’m glad you decided to share! I find myself getting caught up in the crafty blogs and thinking I’ll never have time to do all that I want to and that somehow these magical people have time for everything in their life. What is wrong with my life that I have to deal with my struggles and don’t still have all the time in the world? It’s a refreshing twist to visit your blog and hear from a real. live. person. Thank you for sharing your story. You are absolutely not alone and I”m so glad you took the time to do this! Can’t wait to learn more of your story.
I can’t say anything anyone already hasn’t said.
How can you marry an addict? You were in love and love can be soooooo blind, eh?
Even tho God didn’t answer you the way you thought, and since I am waiting for the ”to be continued” part, I hope it was answer that saved your whole family!! 🙂
You have an amazing way of telling this story, so that others can relate. I am so glad you chose to share it. I know you will inspire others to carry on in their relationships with addictive family members.
I also think it’s important for our blogs to be well rounded. You shouldn’t feel that it has to be one way. People will love your talents all the more when they understand the background of the person you are. Your creativity is shaped by all your experiences…good and bad.
I’m proud of you.
I just randomly clicked through, since I love decorating blogs, and I found myself already in tears. Your testimony shines through, and I know you will help many people by sharing your story. Thank you for sharing it.
Mandi I can’t even express how proud I am of you. You are so strong and amazing and I’m glad people get to see the side of you that I see everyday. Courtney is a great brother in law and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. You two inspire so many people! I love you so much and I’m so grateful that I get to call you my big “SisTur” 🙂
I absolutely love that you are sharing more about you! You rock.
And this story. . . you can’t leave us hanging for long. I have to know more. You are awesomely brave to share. I have a nephew addicted to methadone now– I’m so looking forward to the positive end of this (your) story. 🙂
I love reading people’s stories about their real lives, especially when they are not perfect. It really reinvigorates my faith in God and the love that He has for all of us. You are such an amazing person that I’m SURE you had to have overcome a lot. I can’t wait to keep reading!
Reading your story brings tears to my eyes. I have never had to deal with addiction in any way but I do understand heartache. Most peoples lives are filled with something, it is just that most people don’t have blogs to write it down on. Thank you for sharing and if anything, knowing more about the blogger, makes me like the blogger even more. 🙂 I will keep reading for sure!
Cheryl
Like everyone else, thank you for sharing a bit of your personal life with us. One of my best friends husband has struggled with drug addiction their whole marriage (they’ve been married for 20) Your’s reminds me a lot of hers. She would tell me the same thing about how she was going to save him when she first found out I would watch her go through horrible experiences like when he sold everything they owned to feed his habit or how he’d disappear for days and not know if he’d even come back alive. Surprisingly, I was the one who learn so much from her about faith and love. She has told me that rehab programs help their marriage, but in the end it’s God who is there to help them and him the most. When I hear people who have loved one with addictions I know longer feel sorry for them like I use too, I admire them and hope I can one be as loving and caring and strong as they are.
Love,
Stacey
cliff hanger!…i’ll be back to hear the rest!
How can you keep me hanging!?!?!?!?! I want to know more! You are a special person girl…..previous comments say it all!
I LOVE YOUR GUTS MANDI!!!!!!
OXOXOXOX Muuuwahhh!
Denise Ma Maison
gah! Hurry and finish the story!
Thanks for sharing Mand. I hate that I knew you at this time and wasn’t there at all to help or support you. Keep sharing!
mandi, mandi! it’s refreshing that you would share such a personal story like this with the world! i’m certain you will help others by doing so. it’s easy to think that everyone else’s life is perfect, but really no ones is, we all struggle with something. i’ve thought about writing about dealing with depression on my blog but haven’t out of fear… and really there are like 5 people who read it so it shouldn’t be a big deal, i just wish i were as brave as you! i feel bad that i didn’t realize how serious of a struggle you two were going through. i hope things are better now!! i can’t wait to read the rest of your story. i love that you keep this blog so real!
love you girl!
um this to be continued thing is killing me SIStUR! Will this even work if i leave a comment? hmmm i guess we will find out. I’m wearing a fur coat. JEALOUS MUCH?
Thank you for sharing your story. My younger sister also married an addict, in the Temple. She lived with it for five years before she finally let our family know. We were so close, I thought. Now they have been married for almost ten years, and he just baptized their oldest child. I will never understand her choices or the pain she has lived through, but I can get another glimpse from reading your story and your testimony. THANK YOU!!
I admire you for telling us your story! I’m sure your story has helped many people. I am looking forward to reading more. I believe people come into other people’s lives for reasons we might not know at first but there is always a reason!
Megan