If you haven’t read the beginning of the story please{click here}first.
Continued from Part 4:
Then another miracle happened. I became pregnant with Dylan. This was it, we had to choose. Make it work or don’t. Like Yoda says ” Do, or do not, there is no try” We chose to make it work. We were both ready for a new life and started going to church for the first time in 6 years. We were working with our bishop and making preparations so that we could become ready to go to the Temple. He encouraged us to go the the LDS 12 Step meetings and we did for a while. They were great but Courtney wasn’t ready to be sober. His heart wasn’t pierced.
In May of 2009 we put an offer on a house and moved out of our little apartment. Its so amazing to me looking back how easy it is to turn away from God when you feel like you are doing alright.
“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”
Ezekiel 36:26
Over the next year Courtney continued to struggle with his addiction. I had reached the point in mine where I was so exhausted trying to save, control, punish, threaten, cry to, scream at, ignore, yell at, poke, prod, catch him in the act, rationalize, and enable him that I was completely shut down. He was using Lortab and Percocet in huge quantities. I hated being home. Anything he did set me off, and anything that I did set him off. It was volatile.
On July 15, 2010 my beautiful Grandmother passed away. I was in Salt Lake for practically the whole month prior to her death. It was my escape from this life that was swallowing me whole. She was in a medically induced coma for a week, when she came out of it she looked me with love and understanding in her eyes and told me “Mandi, trust the Lord.” She cold not have spoken truer words. I was not trusting Him. I wasn’t even talking to Him.
Courtney came up for her funeral. There were hundreds and hundreds of people that came to her viewing. Her and my Grandpa have blessed so many peoples lives just by the way they live theirs. Their spirits radiate love and acceptance and hope. The love that my Grandparents had shown Courtney when very few had was realized at this moment. They were not judgmental towards him the way that he had been to others. He started to realize there were more important things in life than image and insecurities. His heart of stone was beginning to crack.
A few weeks later he heard Ivie pray. She asked Heavenly Father to make it so that our family wouldn’t be sick anymore. This beautiful daughter of God that he has shared with us had suffered so much. She knew that there was chaos in our home. She also knew that Heavenly Father could heal us. What a simple yet profound prayer.
Another crack.
Because of these and a few other circumstances Courtney and I decided to go to an LDS 12 Step meeting again. The Spirit was so strong. We knew that this was where we belonged. We knew that by learning of the Saviors Atonement we could be healed, just like Ivie prayed for.
I learned about my Co-Dependency. I didn’t cause Court’s addiction, I cant control it and I cant change it. But I can still love him; AFTER I love myself.
“… and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.”
Alma 5:13
Its impossible for me to explain the change in my husband. Unless you know him personally you just can’t understand the night and day difference. In the beginning of my story I mentioned that when I saw Court for the first time there was something familiar about him. All through the years of addiction I would have these de ja vu-ish moments that reflected something wonderful when he was totally not. Now I know why. I believe that Court and I were together before this life, the moments of recognization were real. Now that he is truly in recovery, he is the person I would get glimpses of, the person that I fell in love with a long time ago. His spirit is no longer dimmed, it shines.
People ask me “Why is it different this time? How do you know that he will stay sober?” The answer is, that I don’t know that he will. I do know, that on his own he can’t; but with Jesus Christ he can do anything. Courtney is no longer the guy I married, he is kind and humble, he is happy and grateful, he is funny and attentive, he is spiritual. He understands his worth as a child of God and that my friends, makes all the difference in the world.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.”
2 Nephi 4: 18-20
Are we perfect? Heck no. Do we still have moments where our old habits try and resurface? All the time. But the difference today is that we know in our hearts that Christ can redeem us from all of our weaknesses and sin that hold us back and keep us sick. I have learned that the Atonement is not something that we apply at the end of our lives, in hopes that we will be redeemed. It is meant to be applied minute by minute so that at the end of our lives we know that we did the very best that we could. Even on days when its just geting out of bed. Christ will indefinitely make up the rest for us, he already has. We just need to learn how to ask him.
I hope that by sharing our story you will find hope, hope for the addicts in your life, hope for yourself, hope for a stranger.
On the cover of the Guide To Addiction Recovery it says:
“Written with support from Church leaders and counseling professionals by those
who have suffered from addiction and who have experienced the miracle of recovery through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”
who have suffered from addiction and who have experienced the miracle of recovery through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”
My husbands recovery (and mine for that matter) is one of the many miracles that we have been blessed with in our lives.
I learned that when I prayed all of those years ago for Heavenly Father to take Courtney’s addiction away why he didn’t. Not because he couldn’t, but because Courtney had to freely give it to him.
There is a comment made in almost every single meeting that we attend.
“EVERYONE should come to these!”
I agree, many of us have the desire to bring Christ closer to us. We all need help from a Higher Power. This program teaches you step by step how to do that. I encourage every single one of you to attend at least one of these meetings whether you are LDS or not. (There have been many meetings that I have been to where not everyone is LDS.) They are so indescribably beautiful. They are full of love and acceptance. You can feel the prayers offered on your behalf there. Regardless of your faith we are all children of God, in these meetings where you are sharing your weaknesses you can feel Him. Hugging you, smiling at you and pulling you forward. They give you hope.
So my friends, this is where our story ends today. With hope.
“The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in.
The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out
of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.
of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.
The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment.
The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. . . .”
“May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed in Him, and born again”
(President Ezra Taft Benson Conference Report, Oct. 1985, 5–6; or Ensign, Nov. 1985, 6–7).
“I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no
more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”
(Alma 36:19–20).
If you have a question please dont hesitate to email me
[email protected]
I will be putting together a FAQ page about my experience with the LDS 12 Step Program, Co-Dependency, and Addiction
I will be putting together a FAQ page about my experience with the LDS 12 Step Program, Co-Dependency, and Addiction
What a wonderful story, and I’m glad you finally wrote the happy ending. It seems like little kids and old people are usually the ones who break through and teach us the lessons we need to learn.
I’m glad your lives are in a good place now. I haven’t gone through anything like that before, but I do have my trials and I am grateful for them. Without my trials I wouldn’t have felt the healing power of Jesus Christ or the overwhelming love He has for me.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am a recent follower of your blog and I have quickly become a die-hard fan!
Courtney’s story is very similar to my husbands. Addiction is a nasty, nasty thing that takes the power and grace of our precious Lord to overcome.
Thanks for sharing your story. I was enthralled the entire time and found it very inspiring.
Thank you for sharing your very personal Story. I was so touched by your honesty and the beautiful spirit that I personally felt as I read each word. We are all in need of the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ. Wishing you and your family much joy and happiness.
CP
I have been following your blog for a while now- and have not commented until now…( although I have wanted to- you blog is one of my favorites!) Thank you so much for sharing your family’s experience. I know that I have battled something similar and their is nothing sweeter then knowing things can get better and they will if we choose to do so! And what a great feeling it is to be truthful and to feel accepted.It’s good to know that no one is perfect! and that’s okay!We can work on it and when we fall down we can keep picking ourselves up and start over. Thank you again- your story really did move me to tears:) Regards to You and your cute family
-Alissa D.
Mandi, you are amazing. You are Miss America! What a great missionary you are. Thank you for reminding me abou thte power Christ can have in my life if I let him in. I would love to be in your ward! I love the quotes and scriptures you have shared. That one by E. Benson is by far one of my all-time favorites. I’m hoping that recovery lasts forever for your family. Love you!
I would just like to thank you for your story! My father was not able to beat his addiction and he passed a couple years ago. We were estranged for many years prior. For some reason hearing and reading about people who have overcome addiction makes me feel better about our situation. I don’t really know why, but it is comforting to know that your two girls now have their Daddy back!!!
Your story is the perfect example of how giving our lives to Christ heals us and saves us. You’ve done exactly as counseled by sharing your testimony publicly.
I’m proud of you.
Mandi, You and your story are absolutely beautiful. I’m glad you shared this and I admire your openess and honesty.
Cheri
Thanks for lifting me up, ONCE AGAIN! You are AWESOME girlie! Thanks again for sharing. SmooChes!
I’ve loved reading your story! You have an amazing testimony and strength. I know your story will touch the lives of others. You have such a beautiful family and I hope this recovery lasts forever. 🙂
Beautiful ending to an incredible story.
Love you!
WORTH THE WAIT. I totally cried! I know…I’m such a BOOB! I am preparing my sharing time for primary tomorrow…and I feel such a sweet spirit! loved the scriptures and quotes! I have a whole journal filled with quotes that have inspired me! Thank you so much for sharing! I think it is the perfect story for christmas!
love your elbow!
Thanks so much for sharing. I have a brother who I cry for/pray for daily that he will turn away from his rotten addictions. I am having to learn to give it to the Lord and that I cannot change him, only he can and he has to want it. It is so refreshing to hear a happy ending. Thanks again!
Mandi, I am so truly proud of you for sharing your story. You will bless so many lives through your testimony. I am so glad that you are on the right path and I hope that you have many more happy things to share in the future!
Thank you. I’m a lurker, but I love your blog. You are so inspiring in so many ways. I truly admire your faith; thank you for strengthening mine.
I haven’t told you, but my bff lives in South Jordan (I live in Alabama). We met while adopting our girls from Guatemala. Natalie’s Bella and my Anne Pearce are only 5 days apart. We lived together in Guatemala for 3 weeks while we waited to bring our girls home. It’s the strangest thing… Although we’d never met we knew the minute we talked and then first saw each other that we were sisters in Heaven. I totally understand the recognition you had for Court… We had that the first minute we saw each other…. We laugh and say that I am the most informed non Mormon in the world. Although I am not LDS we both share the love of Jesus… Our friendship is amazing. I come to Utah a couple of times a year… I’m coming in January to meet her newest son who she just met day before yesterday. God has given us ANOTHER of His blessings through adoption. One day I would love to share my Logan’s story of addiction and healing through Christ. I won’t share his story publicly… He’s 16, and it’s still his story to tell, BUT I would love to share it with you. Thank you for sharing your story. I KNOW God uses us through these blogs to touch other people who may not be touched otherwise. When I blogged about the girls and their adoptions SO many people emailed that they got closer to God. I had people all over the country and world praying for my girls, and I could just FEEL it. God used you to spread His word through this story, and I am SO proud of you for listening. It’s not easy to humble ourselves to people we don’t know…to put it all out there… It just shows that Mandi’s heart (and guts) are filled with the love of Jesus.
I love you sister,
Your bff in Alabama.
Wow Mandi! I had no idea! But I am so glad that everything is working out for you guys! You are so great to share this with everyone! The Spirit is definitely felt reading this! Love ya!
What a courageous experience! I just wanted to tell you two things… 1) I have been truly inspired by your testimony of how God will lead our lives when we allow him to, and 2) Thank you for the wonderful co-relating scriptures. This has been an inspirational and very well written message that I know will help many others deal with addictions and other trials in their life. Thanks for sharing!!
You are a strong woman! It is easy to see (without even knowing you) how much you have changed and grown and developed a true, personal testimony of Jesus Christ and His church through this whole experience. Thank you for sharing. I will pray that you and Courtney continue on your road to complete wellness and wholeness and continued commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well written and told with honesty and heartfelt emotion. Brought me to tears many times. Thanks again.
What a tender tale. My husband is an addiction counselor, and he has seen coutless lives destroyed by substance abuse. I am glad yours is having a happy ending. It’s truly courageous of you to share your story. I know some LDS people think that it doesn’t happen to us, but it does! God Bless you and your family! P. S. your blog is awesome too! 😛
Thank you for sharing this. The power of the atonement is an amazing thing. Best to you and your sweet family.
Goodness Mandi, I really don’t have words to express what I feel inside other than, hopeful, inspired, motivated, and grateful to you for sharing your story.
What a beautiful testimony and may your family continue to be blessed because of your faith in God.
Thank you for sharing your story. Even though I haven’t gone through the same thing myself or with a loved one, I have gone through hard times and somehow your story that doesn’t relate… relates.
You inspire me everyday, through each blog post. oh, and if I ever see you in a store, I am totally going to call you out even if you look worse than Brittany Spears in her worst times. Wait – who are we kidding – you could NEVER look that bad! 🙂
xoxxox
Sheena
So strange that I came across your blog today while I was over at one I regularly read where you guest posted…I clicked over to yours and scrolled down.
I put my oldest son in rehab a week ago – hardest day of my life – for Oxycontin and heroin addiction. He is done detoxing, and is in rehab.
As I read your story, it touched me…full of awesome reminders…I went to an Al Anon meeting Saturday, but it didn’t quite have the same affect as what you wrote.
My son is the most spiritual of all my children…the only one that was baptised before I became inactive. I know that through this, Heavenly Father has been watchng over him and protecting him…not so much from himself, but from near catastrophes that could have killed him. I hope that he will see that too and rebuild his relationship with God.
Thank you for sharing your story in such a public way…I am working on mine (and his)…the ending is yet to be written, as the beginning has just begun.
~alicia
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!! What an AMZING story of love! You should write a novel and sell it! I was completely attached for every part of y’alls journey… Congrat’s Courtney and Mandi… and good luck! I know it’s a long road and that you will always fight with the addiction, but God will always be there with each of you!
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband is also a recovering addict. He is a musician and created a recovery album, he also performs at Rehabs. He is open about his recovery but is also very vague about the addiction. He was recently asked to tell his story, where he would give more details about his addiction. And it would be recorded for all to see. This has been a hard decision for us. It is hard to give details, but I think that is what helps others feel less isolated. But do we really want to be the “Poster Child”? Our “image” is what’s stopping us.
Then he remembered that he decided he was going to fight! We are in a real battle, one that started before this life, and we must give it our all. What better way to fight! So thank you so much for sharing, I think it is one more step toward feeling more comfortable with sharing our story. Also, you do not need to apologize for your feelings throughout this ordeal. Maybe it is just because I had felt the same way at times, but it is good to here your not the only one who has been angry with God because you don’t understand whats really going on. I see us as little children, still learning from a loving Heavenly Father. We want to grab the cookie right out of the oven, we think we need it right then. He knows that if we do we will get burned, and we will enjoy it much better if we can just wait 10 min.
This is how I can comprehend it anyway.
One thing that I have learned in recovery that I wanted to share with you is that even a step back can be a step forward. If your husband does relapse again, everything was not in vain. It can refine him, and help him to figure out what wasn’t working before, and how he can become better. So don’t give up! It doesn’t sound like your that type anyway!
You have just delivered one of the most poignant and powerful testimonies ever delivered in blog land! Perfect combination of first-experience, scripture, and testimony.
Thanks for being real and not pretending to wear a mask of perfection. I appreciate being touched by the power of the spirit through your testimony. Lifts my day!
I have went back and forh about commenting here for the last few days.
First off I want to say thank you Mandi for sharing your story, I know it is’t always easy to open up and put it all out there for the world to see.
This hits so close to home, and your story brought out so many memories and feelings for me. Addiction destroyed my marriage and ultimately took my ex-husband’s life.
I am so glad to hear you have a happy ending to this and I wish your family continued success on this path of recovery.